I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
