im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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