My room smells like vodka and shame
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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