i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
