Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's official drugs can't kill me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
