All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
50% drunk capacity currently
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
