And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
