so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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