I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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