I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize