yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
