capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
