apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
