I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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