low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
