True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
