I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
