How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
