When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
