Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's rum buckets o'clock
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
