Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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