Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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