I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
