i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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