Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
