So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
