you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
