clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
