i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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