I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
