i think my tv is drunk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
