Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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