Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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