I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
