She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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