we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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