i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
