Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
