Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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