i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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