honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
