DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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