The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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