shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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