Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
