I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
