the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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