We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize