1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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