I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
