she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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