Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
