I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
