I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
