I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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