Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize