Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize