Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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