I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize