every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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